I need help?

My father was driving, we were all in car asking

Are we there yet?

Asking for help

Is this really where we are going?

The destination was dinner with a new acquaintance, we were late, the address was the puzzle that was yet to be solved…GPS a mere thirty away.

I remember my mother asking several times if we needed to stop and ask for directions, which soon became the echo of the young voices in the backseat as we wanted to eat. The reply I recall my father speaking was something in line with,

“We are close, I will find it – I am sure.”

The interesting thing is that I often hear women say that men never ask for help yet men say that women hate to be told how to do things (need I mention trying to learn golf from a spouse, which would be a completely different post to explore). I am not a huge fan of absolute statements that encompass and join people by assumed stereo-typed behaviors yet I have to admit that these two statements do hold some merit.

Do men know they are in need of help?

When driving men are rarely lost, in their own mind. They have complete faith that they will find where they are going and looking, seeking is part of the hunt. While women might see this as arrogance, men see it as fact, I am completely capable of finding this.

To stop…

roll down a window…

ask for help…

ends the hunt…

someone else takes over their adventure.

I admit that I love watching the Amazing Race.  Consistently the best teamwork comes when the men and women work together, recognizing the strengths and weakness of one another and navigating each obstacle.  While real life is not lived in the “timed” challenges and roadblocks, there is a common key – they recognize first who they are AND see one another.

How does this play over into men not willing to ask for help, seek counseling?

Men need to have a purpose in counseling a destination they are seeking, not the random or seemingly endless world of thinking they are going to be “told” the direction. Is part of the obstacle that we as women often define the direction before inviting the men on the adventure of discovery?

We define the “help” needed without recognizing the ways they are already looking for help. Do we see the ways that we experience “help” as the one way that men will also receive “help?”

Counseling is often sought after accumulated issues have risen. It is “needed” in order for the relationship to survive. A demand can be laid down, with a predetermined outcome that has to be met. Rarely is this an invitation, but instead a 911 call.

What would it be like to invite men into a deeper adventure?

How could the relationship be enhanced, what is there to learn, together?

I have found that a man who comes into counseling by invitation to discover how he and the one he loves, can work together is a more willing participant…often sweaty palms, fidgety and feeling lost, he can recognize the adventure of deep and intentional work within a relationship BUT the process is different for men.

Men need to know they are needed in the process of learning and navigating, that the value they bring to relationships matters and that how “help” finds them might just be different than how it finds a woman. I find that often men respond to counseling with practical application and finding solutions that amaze me.

Which way to go....

Interesting that GPS was invented by Ivan Getting, at a price tag of $12 billion (taxpayer dollars) for the Department of Defense. Could this be in response to the multiplicity of hearing, “Do we need to stop for directions?”

The resounding answer was creating a small device that partners with eighteen satellites and multiple ground stations in order to not have to stop,  to stay in the hunt.

Book in Print

Had a call this morning from the publishing house, that Holy Sexuality Beginning with Questions is now at the printers. After a month of unexpected set-backs I experienced three random emotions simultaneously:




I think all three of these are appropriate, but it is their interchange that I find interesting. The compulsion to jump with joy can be dangerous when terror makes one want to flee – all at the same moment – potentially I could physically injure myself.

So I am going to remind myself these next seven days, as I wait to receive the first printed copy, to honor the extremes and allow them to tutor me. To pause at the threshold, “to be comfortable with uncertainty today requires courage.”

Humbled by all the experiences that have ushered this moment present. I want the emotions to recognize that I choose to frolic within gratitude as I hold them.

Will let you know when it is in stock and available for purchase.

Could make for some great  Christmas dinner conversations…




The Brain In Orgasm

Recently at a conference I was commenting on the scientific differences that have been recorded through PET scans on men/women’s brain during orgasm. While there is still much to study in this area, the overall findings surprise the scientist in that the exact opposite areas of the male/female brain light up during an orgasm.

The major area of a woman’s brain that becomes activated is the cerebellum. One of the most surprising elements was  the overall deactivation in the other regions of the brain like the amygdala which process emotions.

For men there is increased activation in the overall brain including the amygdala, but a deactivation in the cerebellum.

Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen findings are a fascinating initial look into some of the intricate ways that the male/female brain functions during this very intimate and vulnerable act of orgasm.

It continues to remind me that our Creator’s creativity is limitless and literally beyond definition.